sometimes i think that i think too much.

change has so many meanings and so many ways of happening. whether a big change, like the inauguration of a new president, or little change, such as a decision between three types of pizzas, change will always be lurking around every corner. change can be good...but it could be equally bad as well. i, for one, used to dislike-- hate, change. it had me lose family members, lose family connections, friendships i thought would last a lifetime; it just...broke me up inside. i tried fighting it, but it only made things worse. of course it did: because change is inevitable. and i seem to have just grasped that concept none too long ago. it'll never stop.

we all take change in some way. some embrace it. others fight it. some just try to ignore it. but no matter how much they try to fight, no matter how ignorant they can be, they'll never, ever stop it from happening. for change is one of the basics of life, one of life's lessons. as for those who embrace it, good job. because that's exactly what we all should do...instead of keeping everything just as it was. sure, things may seem great now, but changing it may be for the better. it may be for the greater of others expense or just greater to ourselves.

i see people i once knew years ago walk past me like they never met me...and it hurts. people that used to look so shy...so innocent have now become talkative, popular, as if they were all that. doing drugs and underage drinking all because of the friends they made. that's not me. that's never been me. and it never will. i'm not social. i admit, i may be lame too (you suck if you think so), but that's just who i've always been. i know i chose the right friends. i know that i'm heading towards the right direction. and i'll never change that. who cares what people think of me? because i know what i think of myself. and who's going to know me better than me?

i looked at a tree, and saw scratches etched into it, covering up what used to be there. i remember when i did that, and why i no longer feel that way. then i look up and see another carving i did, the letters still visible. but, there's a huge scratch across it. probably of some idiot who dare disrupt my feelings. but whoever did that, made me realize something: i might cross that carving out in the future as well, because of changed feelings. then it made me realize something else. i shouldn't be so preoccupied with the future, or lingering around the past. i should live my life, live it now with no regrets and just go with the flow.

have i changed? probably, but it's for the better. i know me...or at least i think i do >.> somehow, i feel more confident, but at the same time more timid, but hey, i've always been that way, speaking is a drastic step for me. *ehehe

all in all, i've realized that change is good. great even. it's necessary. it's helped me so many times, like my attitude. i might've committed suicide but my attitude was what kept me going, my motivation, what i believe in, and all the people i care about. change can make someone forget about another, but can also make someone new come into ones life, as you did into mine. i used to find myself crying over nothing. but now i can't stop smiling. i used to look down and frown. now i look up the clear, blue skies, with wide eyes and a smile, and for the first time, i took it all in and realized how amazing it feels just to live again.

always waiting.

i want to be there for you and be someone you can come to, but how? i need you probably more than you need you, but i don't know if you feel that way about me. i pray for you a friend for life and think all the time how to tell you what i feel. show me anything, show me you care. because you always seem to bring be back from the down. when i'm with you things are looking better. for once, everything is brighter than the darkness before you. you have stolen my heart.

i've never, ever wanted anything so bad. every second i'm without you i'm a mess. so please, be all mine. no one else will have me, only you. i'll sit alone forever if i wait for the right time. so what should i do? what am i hoping for? will you be my best friend if i offer you my heart? 'cause it's already yours. let's get a little closer now.

do you know how long i've waited just to find someone like you? you are the one thing that always pulls me through. love goes anywhere, and sometimes, it's just enough to know it's there. when you choose me, i'm waiting for you. always waiting.

i think i accidenally hit you in a place i can't say

Current mood: indescribable
Category: Blogging i got third place in the spelling bee...hurrah for that!

okay, moving on...

it's gets personal from here.

i'm not so sure this is true but my friends say that you stare at me at times. maybe they're only saying that because they're inspecting everything you do. i mean, i bet if they were to observe someone else, they'd catch them staring at me for a couple of seconds. i don't know, maybe i'm just not trying to get my hopes up, like last time. boy, that turned out well. yikes.

one of my friends say that you're not really talking to me that much because you're starting to feel shy around me. she also says that it's a good sign because it means that you're starting to feel something between us. but it doesn't matter. i want you to talk to me, notice me, learn more about me, as i do about you each day. i'm not sure that what she said is true but i'd much rather be your friend first.

i put in my calendar and my to-do list that i would tell you how i feel, but i'm having second thoughts about it. i mean, i really like you and i want you to know how i feel but i didn't want to have to resort to that just so you'd notice me or talk to me. what i really wanted to do was get to know you but that seems so far-off and impossible. you're such great friends with everyone it's hard to keep track of you. sometimes i wish you weren't so friendly with everyone, but then that would take away one of the things i love most about you.

it's cool how you get along with everyone, something i probably could never achieve or accomplish ever. it's not that i'm not nice, it's just that i'm way to shy to befriend everyone. but i really want to be your friend, your greatest friend. one you can go to and say your deepest thoughts to, say what you really feel. not one that you walk past without a glance.

i want so many things to happen between us. i pray for them, although i think i'm asking too much of God. i hope for these things. i watch for signs. i wonder what you think of me each day. i dream of you. i think about you and the possibility of you and i. when will the right moment come? the right place, the right feeling? when will that be? when will i be able to be called your friend, your true friend? when will these things happen? i guess i'll just wait and see. maybe then i'll be able to utter those words. and maybe then i'll be able to say that...i love you.